


To Lose Myself For Good

by coffeerepublic



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fluff, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeerepublic/pseuds/coffeerepublic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he knew, he would stop you.<br/>You couldn't possibly risk that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Lose Myself For Good

**Author's Note:**

> I felt a sudden inclination to write this. Something similar has been floating around my head for a long time. Maybe it's time to get rid of some of my demons.
> 
> While this is a one-shot for now, it might turn into a chaptered story, depending on several factors. [It never did.]
> 
> I hope someone will enjoy this. It's my baby and very important to me right now, so I'd appreciate honest feedback. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

_sometimes ignorance rings true  
but hope is not in what i know_

„Breakfast’s ready!“ Arthur’s voice was cheerful as he arrived at the table and set down a plate filled with pancakes. You smiled at your boyfriend while folding and putting down the newspaper you had been reading. He joined you at the table, pulling out the chair across from you and sitting down.

While he reached out to quickly stack no less than three pancakes at once on his plate, the first move you made was to take the can of coffee you had brewed earlier and refill your cup. No milk, no sugar, no artificial sweetener. You had taken up drinking your coffee black; the stronger it was, the better.

_Caffeine will suppress the natural feeling of hunger._

“So, what’s been happening in the world?” He sounded even sweeter than he normally did whenever he talked to you.

When the two had begun dating, his being a morning person compared to your inability to even form proper sentences until two hours after waking up had led to all too frequent difficulties. Nowadays, you had turned into the very opposite behavior-wise. He experienced you as a pleasant alternative for an alarm clock, now that you had turned into this breath of fresh air that awoke him every morning.

“Nothing too interesting, actually. Apparently, Germany has changed its laws concerning the way criminals are being handled once they’ve sat out their time in prison. If they pose a danger to society, at least. There’s no preventive detention anymore, so they’ll be released anyways. Obviously that doesn’t make the people too happy.”

While on the outside you were simply making small talk, something completely different was going on in your head. How small an amount of Arthur’s cooking could you take onto your own plate so it would be just enough to make him happy?

“I bet that means a lot of stress for Ludwig,” he replied, setting down the maple syrup after having spread some of it on his food. You reached out, taking a single pancake with your fork.

As soon as it was on your plate, it looked incredibly misplaced to your distorted perception. But you couldn’t possibly have taken less than this! As soon as you were to start cutting up food and taking less than one portion, he would notice that something wasn’t right. You couldn’t let that happen, knowing it would disappoint him to no end.

“Without a doubt, yes. Poor Ludwig.”

You had already noticed earlier that he had brought out all he had to make the rare event of the both of you eating breakfast together as special as he could. Simply cooking for you didn’t seem to have been enough; much rather, the table was filled with anything one’s heart might desire: honey, different kinds of syrup and jam, chocolate spread, everything.

Having to abstain from all of those certainly delicious treats gnawed at your conscience. After all, he had done all of this to please you. But it simply wasn’t possible for you to act differently. Instead, you cut off as small a piece as you could muster from your pancake and put it in your mouth.

Maybe, if you ate very slowly, he wouldn’t notice how little you ate.

Every few bites, you took a break to take a few sips of coffee, protracting your meal. If he were to notice, he would that think you disliked his cooking, like everyone else he had ever cooked for seemed to have done. But that wasn’t the case. In fact, you enjoyed his cooking quite a bit; taste-wise, that is. Your behavior had entirely different reasons after all.

Of course, all of your efforts eventually proved to have been in vain.

“You know…” Arthur seemed to feel very uncomfortable all of a sudden. “If you don’t like it, you don’t need to force yourself to eat it.” He failed at hiding the disappointment in his tone.

“No! Please don’t think that, it’s not like…”

“It’s fine,” he interrupted you, getting up and taking his dirty dishes to the sink. After that, he quickly left the room.

Now that you were alone, you allowed yourself to let your head drop. You sighed.

If only he knew.


End file.
